9.09.2010

The 12 Most Recognizable Peanut Gallery Types

My last post was addressed to those of you in the peanut gallery. In vaudeville days, that meant the cheap seats in the house, which usually were occupied by rowdy folk who liked to throw peanuts at the stage. That's where we get the phrase "no comments from the peanut gallery."

In this case, I was not referring to you all as hecklers (let's keep it that way)...but rather, as ever-present commenters of the general sort. Since writing that post, I began to think of the peanut gallery in terms of the blogosphere. Every blogger or blog-reader will generally fit into one of the following categories:

Macadamia Nuts. Highly nutritious. They have the highest amount of beneficial monounsaturated fats of any known nut, and also a good bit of protein, carbohydrates, dietary fiber, calcium, and phosphorous. When you leave the blog of a macadamia nut, you have gained something - an idea, a perspective, a how-to guide - that is nourishing for you.

Walnuts. These are wallflower blog-readers. Blog-stalkers, if you will. They like to lurk, to hang around and read, but you never know they're there. Until the next time you see them, and they say, "Hey! I read your blog!" You people know who you are. I like you guys.

Honey-Roasted Peanuts. A blogger soaked in honey sweetness. Full of goodness, honey-roasted peanuts are always looking for the best, always encouraging, always able to say the right thing in the right way. See 1 Corinthians 13 for a more thorough definition.

Planter's Peanuts. Mr. Peanut, in his famous picture shown here, looks like he's ready to put on a show with a hat and cane. He's dapper, funny, and clever. And like him, Planter's Peanut bloggers are entertainer extraordinaires.

Boiled Peanuts. A bit moody. A bit melancholy. Serious-minded bloggers. They have long ruminated on the deep things of life.

Pistachios. Celebrity bloggers who have good stuff to say and huge followings. There's a shell on the outside...it's kind of a barrier. You don't really get to talk to them.

Spanish Peanuts. Bloggers from Spain. OBVIOUSLY.

Acorns. You know them. I know them. They masquerade as edible nuts. They're the spammers and hackers. If you eat them, you'll choke. And they litter the ground where you will trip all over them if you're not careful.

Chestnuts. Bloggers whose writings aim straight for your heart, right inside your chest. (Get it?) They cause you get a little misty-eyed every time you read their stuff.

Pecans. A Negative Nelly nut, the wrinkly pecan usually has a gripe. Probably due to that bitter flavor they're sporting.

Cashews. You can eat a handful of cashews and be full for hours. So, in turn, cashews like to visit you and gorge themselves on your blog at one sitting. Then they go away and don't come back until they're hungry again.

Sunflower Seeds. Okay, that's not a nut, I know. But they're in the same family of salty snacks, so they get a special nod for the final spot on this list. Sunflower seeds are the opposite of cashews. They're so tiny and quick, that they only have time to visit your blog for an average of 24.5 seconds before they have to move on to the next one.

Now is the point where I will duck while you throw peanuts at me. As a disclaimer, this list was created from a blank mental slate, with no particular names in mind, save for a few walnuts.

Honestly, I very much enjoy hearing from all of you. Because really, I think we're all a little nutty in our own "special" way. Which kind of nut are you? Maybe a combination of assorted nuts? Are there other types nuts that were missed who deserve a mention?

The peanut gallery is now open.

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